Thursday, September 16, 2010

Wherein I Wallow In Self Pity

Run Day
Time- 20 minutes
Distance- 1.92mi

Yeah, I ran today. Why? Because I'm a jackass. Because my ego kicked my common sense's ass and took its lunch money. Because I thought, "Meh, my foot doesn't hurt so bad right now, I should test it out." So I did. I ran for five minutes on a treadmill to test it out. It didn't hurt. Too much. Less than a 3/10. So I decided to try and run. Jackass.
It was fine for a while. But a little pain over a long time turns into more pain. That, plus I couldn't ignore the creeping fear that by ignoring my first instinct (using the elliptical) and instead going for a run I was doing worse damage to my foot and increasing my recovery time and more seriously damaging my training. These thoughts are not conducive to a strong workout. These thoughts are, in fact poisonous.
I turned around at the ten minute mark and ran back. The whole time I was running slow and easy, and a lot of it was spent running on the grass beside the sidewalk. This hurt less. But the damage to my head was done. I was freaked out and fucking pissed at myself. I thought I'd get back, get on the elliptical, gut out 15 minutes, then lift. Well the gym was over-crowded and I was swimming in negative energy and 15 minutes on the elliptical lasted two at which point I decided, "Fuck it, I'll just lift." But I couldn't. I know myself really well. I know that I can push past all kinds of adversity but sometimes I'm going to hit a wall and its better to step back and stop than to pound pound pound at it. So I left. I ran for a slow, semi-painful 20 minutes and went home. Feeling like a bitch. Because now, on top of being frustrated about my foot I'm frustrated that I couldn't work though it and even get a decent workout in.
This is the point where all workouts count. Right now is where I should really be hitting my stride and things should be coming together and getting strong. And that's happening in the water and on the bike. But my run, which I'd been oh so positive about, is not happening. And its my own damn fault for over-running a week ago. And that's bothering me too. 25 minutes of stupid has now ruined at least five runs, including this Sunday and my rest week Thursday and Sunday (since I'm now completely convinced I need to duct tape my ego's mouth shut, bind its arms and legs, and throw it in the padded room for a week and a half).
Look, I'm really looking forward to this race. I've put a lot of money and effort into preparing for it. I think I can do well at these kinds of events and my progress both in the water and on the bike attest to that. I want to be a triathlete and do races on a regular basis. But my fucking foot is getting in the way! And it doesn't even hurt when I'm walking around the house! Just when I try to run on it. Stupid foot. Jerk. The right foot is so not my favorite foot right now. You hear that, Lefty? You're moving on up!
I'm sorry this post is so anti- everything I've been writing up until this point. Today was a bad day in Dirtbagland. I'm icing my foot as I speak (type?) and trying to figure out how I can ice it at school tomorrow when I have recess duty. I guess at lunch, away from the other teachers so they don't have to watch me rub a Dixie cup on my bare foot while I softly curse at it under my breath.
Trying to vent this all off and move on tomorrow. I just need to be better at rehab and do what I know I need to do instead of what I think I can do. I'm going to try to relax, pop an ibprofen, let my foot de-ice before I ice it again before bed, and think positive thoughts about my stupid, no good, useless hoof.

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