Warrior Dash 2013 Race Report

The Warrior Dash returned to Hawaii last weekend, and with it came thousands of muddy crazies ready to run, climb, crawl, and jump through a 5k obstacle course. And I was right there with them, alongside friends Diesel and the Grey (but not really the Grey). We participated in the "craziest fricken' day of (our) lives" last year and had a great time, so as soon as registration opened for the 2013 iteration of the Dash we were in like Flynn. The price is right for early registration at these events, and along with the actual race the swag is great. A fuzzy horn hat, a shirt, a medal, and a beer? The only event I've ever done with better swag is the Honu.

Swag

Better shirt than last year

Couldn't find facepaint this far from Halloween. This is lipstick. Grrrr

Traffic to and from the event last year was a bear because the course is down a two-lane road. So, like last year, rather than drive and pay to park we stopped a mile away from the entrance and rode our bikes in. So very much better. Along with Diesel and the Grey was Fore, a friend of Diesel's who is not really about the fitness but was down for the fun. And the Warrior Dash is all about fun. Yeah, they give you a chip and you can find your time, but anyone who puts a lot of stock in their Warrior Dash time is probably a douche. The Grey was registered to run but didn't, because the day before he'd gone for a bike ride in the wet and slipped. Fresh road rash should not be submerged in duck ponds and mud pits. He came for moral support and to take pictures. We rode in, picked up our numbers, chips, and fuzzy hats, checked our bags, and got ready to rock.

The Grey the Clean

Seems safe

I went with the kilt and old VFFs like last year. Unlike last year I also decided to add some face paint. The pattern I choose is a nerd joke. You win 15 Dirtbag Points* for naming why I chose the paint I did in the comments. (*Dirtbag Points not redeemable for actual goods or services, onlu bragging rights.) There are a ton of great costumes at the race. We saw guys in short shorts and suspenders with afro wigs, pirates, ninjas, and whatever other manner of silliness you can think of. I know I wouldn't want to run 5k with a Darth Vader mask on, but someone did and more power to them.

Lipstick lasts surprisingly well

Who am I? (Scowl is part of the cosplay)

We signed up for the first start, 9am. The first start is the best start. You get in early, before heavy traffoc. You get out on the course before thousands of feet have trampled it. The mud pit isn't too full of other people's whatever when you go crawling through it. Early is better.
The course location was different than last year, and I don't think any part of the 3.1 miles covered the same ground. They did start similarly though, with about a mile of single track running. Correction- They started exactly the same- with FIRE. Every race should start with FIRE. But there were no obstacles for the first mile or so. Only narrow, muddy, slippery trail. Like I said, if you super duper care about your Warrior Dash time you're probably a douche, and you probably went out of your way to pass those of us out for a fun jog. There was lots of walking in that first bit. Why not? Passing was a pain. And some of those mud slicks were awfully slippery. That wasn't even the plan of the Warrior Dash designers. It had been raining days before. I expected to do the whole run in the rain, but day of the skies cleared and we had beautiful weather.
The list of obstacles to follow is probably out of order, and I'm sure I forget a few, but you get the idea.

On the War path

We bear crawled under barbed wire strung on cross-beams. We went up and down dug-out dirt (mud) hills which got progressively bigger. There was balance beams over water hazards, with chest-high walls in the middle you have to carefully climb over. Over-under barriers where you vault over one then duck under a string of barbed wire. Plenty of climbing up wooden walls with uneven, irregular handholds. Down and into a trench I went, having to crawl infantry-style to avoid even more barbed wire. And the duck pond, where you stop, look at it, try not to think about what tiny, molecular organisms might be living there, and then wade into the water, which has an blockage of floating barrels to climb over (don't put my head under don't put my head under mouth closed mouth closed). After that is the shower climb, where water is piped into a Hollywood-style rain which falls down on you as you climb another wooden wall, rappelling down the other side. And into the final three obstacles- the Big Giant Cargo Net climb, making you (me) feel all the more like a pirate. I may have sung. Then the fire jump, perhaps the most famous of Warrior Dash obstacles. I swear the flames were higher and hotter than last year. And the final Mud Crawl. If you're a badass then you get down and get into it, staying low under the barbed wire and getting nice and covered in mud. If you're not (and why wouldn't you be) then you bend and dip and try not to get your precious self too dirty. Wuss.

Unscathed

Balance beams over water hazard

Dude in the speedo pre-partied too hard

Through the water and over the barrels

Climb in the rain

Cargo net climb! (Higher than it looks)

Yo ho yo ho...

FIRE

FIRE!

Wooo, seemed higher than last year

Mud crawl!

GET DIRTY!

Don'tslipdon'tslipdon'tslip

*WARCRY*

 And across the line.

Kilt was red...

Diesel, Fore, Beer

Right after the finish

The obstacles are only part of the awesome that is a Warrior Dash. The people are great too. I spent much of the run chatting with the warriors around me. You call out encouragement. You compliment costumes. If you're a kilt-wearing warrior then as you climb you say things like, "I'm not saying I'm not wearing anything under my kilt, I'm just saying you might want to give me a little head start up this and not follow too close." You say the same thing crawling on your hands and knees. You stand at the finish and cheer as people throw themselves with abandon into the mud pit, and boo when thy delicately tip-toe through. And afterwards you grab a beer (or grab a beer and hand it to your friend), hang out for a bit, watch the band play a Black Key's cover halfway decently, and enjoy the day. There is a shower area that takes way too long to use because people stand there with the hose trying to get all the mud off, even though hey the rest of us are slowly hardening into human statues could you move it along please you're fine!
After we were done and ready to go we rode, not back to the cars, but across the street to the beach. My kilt was caked with mud because I didn't wait for the hose and I dove straight into the ocean. FOOSH, mud cloud. Ruined my little area of Hawaii's famous clear blue water. Sure does make laundry easier later though.
I never try to sell people on races. What you want to do is your business. But I really think everyone should do a Warrior Dash. Fore has bad knees and isn't in the best shape so he walked the whole thing. Who cares? Seriously, find one near you, register, and have a great damn time. Of course you should train, but you don't have to train hard. The range of body-types and fitness levels at this event is wider than any other endurance event I've ever done. It's so so much fun.

Running Hot and Cold

Super Awesome Wife and I did one last West Coast Tour last week during our Fall break from school before she gets too pregnant to fly. And yes, we used the hell out of the belly getting on to planes. Pre-boarding is the way to go. Getting on with the 47% is for suckers. Plenty of space in the overhead bins, no standing around in the aisle while Johnny Genius grunts, groans, and argues his over-sized carry-on into the overhead bin or Ilsa Illiterate tries to figure out which aisle is 16 and which seat is A.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, California was stop number one (numero uno for those Californians out there in the interwebs). Short stay, just about 48 hours, maybe a bit more. We red-eyed there Friday night, landing at 6am Saturday. Which meant Saturday was kind of a wash. Fight to stay awake, crash for awhile, forget what day it is. Sunday I went for a run in the morning before it got too hot. Yeah, because I grew up in Palmdale, which is in the desert, which is where it's 100* in October. So I went out right after I woke up. Did a little over three miles at a good pace, just under 10 min/mi. The course was flat, which helped. But damn it was hot and dry. Living in Hawaii you forget what dry really means. 

Possible use of hyperbole for humorous purposes

It was nice to get our and run, though. I rarely work out on vacation but I'm trying to be halfway ready for the Kaneohe Bay Splash and Dash in the 20th that I haven't registered for yet, and that means getting regular runs in, even on vacation. Felt good, felt strong. We also had a kick ass baby shower and got a bunch of cool stuff.
After California we hopped on a plane up to Seattle, where the Super Awesome Wife's family is. Seattle is having an unseasonably dry, warm fall. By dry I mean it has barely rained at all in a place famous for it's gloomy overcast and flannel. (By the way, Seattle Bingo is awesome. Your card should have Nirvana, Flannel, Dreadlocks, Ripped Jeans, and a lot of spaces for White People. A LOT of spaces.)

Seattle with Banana Overlord (Thank you, Google, for the gifts you give)

By unseasonably warm I mean it was in the low 50s most of the time. All of you who think that is warm can stop laughing right now. That's cold. Of course I didn't bring warm running clothes. Because I don't own warm running clothes. Because HAWAII. So I went out in my shorty shorts and sleeveless shirt and got about two miles done. A mile out I started thinking, "My ears and arms and hands are really cold. This will probably not improve. I'm going home." Still, I feel like I had a decent run and I'm proud I got out. Yes, I only got out once, but at least I got out.
Today I ran after school. Normally coming home to Hawaii is wonderful. But the tradewinds aren't blowing and there is vog (volcanic fog) just sitting in the air. I'm from Southern California, so I normally don't trust any air I can't see, but the vog right now is as thick and heavy as I've ever felt. And the lack of trades means its damned hot and still. The hill down and then back up from my house isn't terrible, but I'm still not used to running hills. I did all my running fairly flat so the start and finish with climbs is playing merry hob with my knees right now. I'm trying to figure out the best way to go downhill, which is harder than uphill. Thinking I need to relax and let the wheels spin.
Also, the Warrior Dash is coming back to Hawaii next year. I got my 9am registration in and I suggest all islanders get in on it too. It was a blast last year. Early registration is up for a few more days at $45, which gets you the race, a shirt, a warrior hat, and a beer at the finish. Can't beat that. The only complaint is they are charging $20 for parking, and traffic blows to get in and out. *Pro Tip* So do what we did last year, park a few miles away, and ride a bike in. Free, no traffic, easy in and out.

More (Stolen) Warrior Dash Pictures!

Warrior Dash had an official photographer who got some great shots. But they want waaaay too much money for prints. So...they have been liberated.

The only time on a run the Grey will be behind me

He's the other guy in the skirt kilt

Badass

Baaaadass

Background Ninja!

Here's mud in your eye...my eye

How can you tell the mud is thick?

There should be a giant tribal tattoo on my chest

Warrior Dash Race Report

 

"The craziest fricken' day of your life!"

Above is the mission statement for the Warrior Dash, a three mile run though mud, up ropes, over fire, in water,  and under barbed wire where you climb, fall, get back up and keep going.  In short- it's a Dirtbag kind of race.

I jumped when I saw that the Warrior Dash was coming to Oahu. Nothing cool comes to Oahu. Nothing. The coolest musical act we got this year was Neil Diamond. Case: Rested. I was probably in the first dozen people to send them my money, I was pumped. Then I started spreading the word to every active person I know. Then end result of this was a big ass group of people I know and people I know now meeting up Saturday morning at the Haleiwa boat harbor in a variety of mud-ready clothing ready for...well, something. We weren't exactly sure what.

The Dash didn't happen at the boat harbor, but we are a smart group of Dirtbags. The Dash was happening down a two lane road on a ranch. We did the math- 500 people starting every half hour. Waves starting at 8:30 and ending at 5:00. That's a lot of people. And that means that's a lot of cars trying to get into and out of one parking lot all at once, all day long. So, being the smart, clever, and good looking Dirtbag boys and girls that we are, we met about two miles away and rode our bikes in. Roads? Where we're going we don't need roads. Before going on I should specify. "We" being Diesel and his wife, the Grey, and three crazy mad ultra runners who don't have official Dirtbag nicknames yet but are kick ass people and I should get on giving them some. And me, naturally. Super Awesome Wife stayed home. She went through basic training so the whole climbing ropes and crawling through mud thing is something she's done plenty of.

The Warrior Dash website is full of descriptions of how badass the course is. There is FIRE! And MUD! And CLIMBING ROPES! And VARIOUS OTHER COOL SOUNDING OBSTACLES! But we as a group figured a lot of that was good marketing. Yeah, sure there will be some kind of rope climb. But it's not like it's going to be hard or high. You can't do that, people might get hurt. Wait, what's this? A waiver to sign? I've signed waivers before races before...but this has a whole lot of things to initial here, initial here, initial here, sign here, drop of blood here, next of kin here. Huh, the lawyers really got a hold of these guys. Riding in we saw a few of the obstacles to come, but most were hidden in the tall grass and trees so we still didn't know what to expect.

We were wrong to underestimate the Warrior Dash people. Wrong wrong wrong. 

Before I get into the race proper though, I must say something else. This was, without a doubt, one of the best organized events I've ever participated in. I say again One Of The Best Organized Events Ever. Crazy organized. Check-in was quick, bag check was easy, there was a bank of thirty or more Port-a-Potties (something most every other race should take note of), and a stage with live music. Sure, they were charging $10 a car for parking, but what did we care? Super smart, remember? Rode right past that foolishness. 

I choose to sport my Warrior Dash kilt, and the Grey wore one of his kilts too. I also rocked an old holey pair of VFFs. Noticed a lot of others also in toe shoes. Vibram should throw some money at this event. It is perfect for them. Everyone else, while not in costume, was comfortable in some kind of running gear. This event, though, brings out the freaks. I saw, without turning my head, women in tiny pink shorts and tops, Darth Vader, a ninja, a super hero, bikinis, and, I think, a teddy bear. This ain't your mom's 5k. 

We crowded in to the starting corral to wait for the gun. Correction- to wait for the twin blasts of flame from atop the starting gate. Twin. Blasts. Of. Flame. Every race should start with fire. We figured being in the front would allow us to get a little ahead of the press of Warrior humanity right from the get go. Well, the press pressed, and one of the badass cool runner chicks I went with, who shall henceforth be known as ChicaBoom, who was right in front of me nearly got tripped up and squashed. She caught herself, I used my Dirtbag Strength to grab her and help her up and off we went. 

FIRE!!!

 To...where the heck is the coolness? Half mile in and I've only run! WTF, mate? Ohhhh, that false sense of security thing people talk about. Gotcha. 

I'm not going to blow-by-blow every obstacle because I didn't stop and take notes (though Kepa did stop and take pictures, so any picture from here on in of the course is courtesy of the Tri-N-Hawaiian's race report) but I will mention most of them.
It started out right away with an obstacle that made me think, "Huh, they are pretty serious about this." It was a balance beam-style up-and-down a few feet off the ground. Like, it would probably hurt a little to fall off. This bodes well for the future. 

Photos courtesy of Tri-N-Hawaiian

As we ran to the next challenge our little group spread out. We'd discussed the possibility earlier and decided to run our own races. No one was in a hurry, but if we got spread out then so be it, we'll meet up at the end. That being said, ChicaBoom, the Grey, and I got out ahead. And up a rope wall. 

I've never gotten to climb a rope wall and it was every bit as fun as I wanted it to be. Mind, I was rocking the skirt kilt so it was probably even more fun for the people behind me. The next few obstacles were also climbing ones, and every one was high enough at it's apex that, as UltraMan put if afterwards, "you probably could die if you fell." Or at least hurt yourself real good. Remember the waiver you signed? Good.

All photos courtesy of Tri-N-Hawaiian

 We got to roll across a horizontal cargo net, though I guess some people walked the beam going down the center. What's the fun in that? That's not how a pirate would do it. And it ain't how the Dirtbag did it. Ninja Warrior, here I come! Then we bear-walked under some netting only to hit crossed beams with barbed wire strung across the top. Coming in we'd seen this obstacle and remarked, "Hey look, fakey barbed wire. Wrong again. Real barbed wire. Diesel says he saw people with scratched who got too high going under. Cool. Cool cool cool.

Yes, that is barbed wire [All photos courtesy of Tri-N-Hawaiian]

 The next was, as far as I'm concerned, the most difficult. It was a high/low challenge where we had to vault/climb/fall over a wooden barrier, then low duck under some more barbed wire, then up, then under, and so on. The last under was deep too. I was still near the Grey at this point and he might have been heard complaining about his back and how he's too old for this. Maybe I was hearing things. Never know.

 Next was two more climbing walls, the first with a slide down along the wall to get to the ground and the second a slide down a fireman's pole. That's right, I said I got to slide down a fireman's pole! Hell to the yeah. I haven't been down a pole where no one's trying to slip money in my kilt for ages!

Ninja Wall Slide!

 What followed was the longest straight run of the course and I admit I walked some of it. What the hell? I'm not racing, I'm kind of winded, and it's a nice day. I'm walking to the water station. Warriors are allowed to walk. 

I think the next challenge caused most people to balk. Not because it was hard, but because we had to wade/swim through chest high water. In a lake. On a farm. Where ducks swim. And do whatever else it is that ducks do when they are sitting in water. I know what children do when they are in water, I was a lifeguard for years, so I can imagine what ducks do. But I don't want to because I just head's up swam through that. Up and over two floating barrels and out of the water.

Next? YES! FIRE! FIREFIREFIRE! We got to jump over two flaming logs. I vividly remember thinking before the race, "Yeah, it says 'leap over fire.'  But come on, you can't really do that. It probably actually means 'hop over smoldering ashes.'" Nope. Leap. Over. Flames. Not like high WOOSH flames, but flames. Please keep in mind, Dirtbag in a kilt here. Good thing I've been trimming my leg fur for the Rock Tape or there might have been some smelling like burning happening.

Did I mention FIRE!!!

 One more high cargo net climb and there is the finish. Huh, I'm pretty clean. Sure, I'm dusty from all the dirt being kicked up on the trail by everyone, but I'm mostly clean. I thought there was mud. Oh wait...

Like a pirate in the rigging

 Mud pit. Mud pit crawl. Under more barbed wire. In a space of less than three minutes I had jumped over fire and crawled through mud up to my shoulders under barbed wire. "Craziest fricken' day," indeed. And then across the line!

Yeah, that's alllll mud [courtesy of Tri-N-Hawaiian]

 Across the line where I was greeted with one of the best race medals I've ever gotten, and then some volunteer handing out bananas. I'm covered in mud. Literally covered. From my neck to my toes I am brown and goopy. And you're handing me food? Thanks, I'm good. In fact, I even had some in my eye because as I was climbing out of the mud pit I nearly slipped, waved my arms around in a parody of athletic balance, and flung a small drop of mud right into my face. Could have been worse. Could have been into my mouth. 

The group met up at the finish and then headed off to the Warrior Wash to get the mud off. How nice that they provide some kind of shower syst...what's that? The Warrior Wash is simply another part of the lake? How cool/kinda gross/cool. Dozens of muddy Warriors trying to clean themselves in a lake. Looked like the tribe cooling off after a good day's hunt.

Tribe hunt gud. Now tribe clean. [Courtest of Tri-N-Hawaiian]

 We grabbed our free beers, I gave mine to ChicaBoom, got our gear from the still easy bag check, and got back on the bikes. The Dash was right across the street from the beach, like 70% of the things on Oahu (hello, island!), so we rode straight to the ocean and jumped in for some cleaner cleaning.

You're intimidated, right?

I'm a Warrior! (not a bunny, damnit)

The Grey, however, is a bunny.

It's not a Hawaiian photo blog without a shaka

WARRIORS!!!

 Race registration was the best deal I think I've ever had. We got a t-shirt, the free beer, a medal, AND a fuzzy hat with horns on it. A FUZZY HAT WITH HORNS! Cooooool! And what do Dirtbag's on bikes do with fuzzy hats with horns? We cram them into our bike helmets so we ride home looking like the Warriors we are. Heck, the Grey even managed to come in second in his age group. *insert your own cheap crack about his age here* They gave him a little metal helmet. I think I came in at 30 minutes and something seconds but I'm not sure and can't be bothered to check because I don't care. Time wasn't the point. I could have cranked harder, but why? Have I mentioned how cool this is yet?

This was the best three miles I've ever run. I can't be effusive enough. If I designed a sprint triathlon it would end with a Warrior Dash instead of a normal run. There are other, longer events like the Spartan Death Race and the Tough Mudder and I can't speak to how much fun something like this is for longer than 30 minutes, but for my money this kicks ass. I don't care how fit you are, if the Warrior Dash is within driving distance of you, buy a ticket and take the ride. It is so worth it.

Shwag

Race numbers should be covered in mud

One of my favorite medals